HEART EYES (2025)
Starring Olivia Holt, Mason Gooding, Gigi Zumbado, Michaela Watkins, Devon Sawa, Jordana Brewster, Chris Parker, Latham Gaines, Ben Black and Lauren O'Hara.
Screenplay by Phillip Murphy and Christopher Landon & Michael Kennedy.
Directed by Josh Ruben.
Distributed by Screen Gems. 97 minutes. Rated R.
Beyond having one of the most ridiculous serial killer concepts and costumes in Hollywood history (heart eyes? Really???), this Valentine’s Day horror date movie can’t seem to decide what it wants to be. Is it a slasher film? Is it an absurdist comedy? Is it an offbeat love story?
The problem is, Heart Eyes is not particularly scary, it’s not overly funny, and it’s not even the tiniest bit romantic. It’s trying to be all things to all people, and it ends up being just a big mess.
It’s a shame, because the basic concept is not horrible. A lovelorn serial killer takes out his frustrations about love in a different city every year on Valentine’s Day, specializing in killing happy couples as they wallow in their joyful relationships. (Of course, the killer also seems to take out a whole lot of single people who happen to get in the way of the murder frenzy.)
An incel murder fantasy? Okay, we’re listening.
Our heroes Ally and Jay (Olivia Holt and Mason Gooding) are not even a couple. They are just two slightly commitment-phobic singles who meet cute in the morning and are trying to fight their somewhat obvious attraction as fate pushes them together for most of the day.
However, as they go about maybe (or maybe not) falling in love with each other, the killer mistakes them for a settled happy couple. Thus they have to fight their feelings while they fight for their lives. They insist to the silent hulking figure with the machete that they are not really together. They say they are just friends, but they are setting off sparks that say otherwise.
A possible mistaken identity slasher film? Uh, okay. It’s almost like the world’s most violent episode of Three’s Company.
There is a lot of killing in Heart Eyes, but it is mostly of the fast-paced and cartoonish variety. (Note to the Heart Eyes creators: there is a big difference between being scary and just being gratuitously gory.) If you missed how silly the kills tend to be, some nearby character will inevitably drop a snarky and not-particularly-funny quip about the person they just watched die violently.
Yet, the people surrounding me at this screening appeared to be enjoying all the mayhem much more than I did. I’m not sure if I should be concerned about my own tastes or about theirs.
Sure, I get that post Scream, horror movies are often cynically post-modern. Also co-writer Christopher Landon (the son of former Little House on the Prairie and Bonanza star Michael Landon, who would have thought?) has made a career of writing those films, including the Paranormal Activity sequels, Disturbia and the Happy Death Day films. So I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised by Heart Eyes, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be disappointed by it.
Speaking of not being surprised, I picked up on who the killer was very early on in the film. However, other people around me seemed to be shocked by the ultimate reveal, so again maybe it’s just me.
It didn’t really make sense, though, story wise. I won’t give up any spoilers, but once the actual killer is revealed, it seems unlikely (if not impossible) that this person has been going from town to town for their annual killing spree every Valentine’s Day. (Again, no spoilers, but the culprit appears to have some pretty solid roots in the Seattle community.)
However, I suppose that is giving Heart Eyes way too much thought. It’s a genre film, and not even a good one, so why get stressed out if it doesn’t really make any sense?
Jay S. Jacobs
Copyright ©2025 PopEntertainment.com. All rights reserved. Posted: February 5, 2025.
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